let's talk

It's been a while radiopeter. We haven't chatted lately. But I got the urge this morning so here I am.

There's a whole lotta stuff goin' on.

I finished my CNA training classes at the end of February. State exam comes in just over a week. Once I've sat the test it'll take perhaps two weeks more to be an official Certified Nursing Assistant. That means a great deal to me and I'm looking only toward the future.

I'm still unemployed. Happily. Blissfully.

Every day I wake up and think how blessed I am to be in the middle of this life. I'm 33, just discovering what I want to do with my life, and at peace with my family and the world around me. Of course there are daily ups and downs. How could it be called living if there weren't?

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One of my cats, Meo, who has been my faithful companion for nine years, is fatally ill.

He began losing weight around the turn of the year, but he seemed to gain it back. Then he lost it to the point where you can really tell. I looked at his teeth and saw some dark areas and took him to the vet. The news was awful. After listening to his heart, they ordered an xray and an EKG.

His little heart is enlarged, the aorta. That's blood on its way to the body to do work. They think perhaps he has something called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. That's a fancy word for the thickening of some parts of the heart. It's something that can cause sudden death.

We're medicating him with Vasotec (ACE inhibitor, helps the heart work better) and Lasix (a diuretic to try and remove some excess fluid build up), and a daily dose of aspirin. He's tolerating the meds well and still plays with Oberon like there's nothing wrong. But it's his heart. And the tears on my cheeks, dripping down onto my shirt right now, should suggest just how serious this is.

I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I don't know what Oberon is going to do without him.

All I want to do is sit and hold him all day long. Every time I come home I wonder if I'm going to find him dead. In bed, in the middle of the night, I lay my hand on his chest just to make sure he's breathing. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is say his name and pray that he opens his sleepy eyes and looks at me.

My prayers have been answered so far, but somehow I don't think I can count on that working forever.

There is a veterinary cardiologist that rotates through several practices in the area. Next week they'll see Meo to confirm the diagnosis. If the meds will help, and his quality if life remains the way it is today (which is exceedingly good), that's the best I can ask for. If the news is worse than expected, I'm not sure how I'll handle it.

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I'm managing to maintain a 4.0 out of 4.0 in school. A&P I and Chem are both going quite well, but they basically involve hours of studying pretty much every day. Easily done since I'm not working. But once my certification comes in, I want to find a hospital job. There could be a million ways it'll play out, but somehow I think I might get stuck on weekends or overnights as a permanent shift.

I'm fine with that as long as I can get the right days off during the fall semester to round out my pre-nursing coursework. Microbiology and the second A&P are on the path. Two difficult subjects which will both require considerable work on my part. If I can take them with my current A&P professor (Dr. Siddiqi) I'll be pleased.

After the fall semester I will begin to apply to nursing schools. Even typing that makes me nervous. But my grades are good, I'll be working as a CNA, and I shouldn't have too much trouble getting accepted. My number one choice is Truman. Still trying to decide on two and three.

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I've moved from a palatial apartment in Boystown to a place smaller than my very first Rogers Park 1BR. Living in quiet Buena Park is exactly what I needed. Walking to school makes me happy, the area businesses make me happy, the free gym (read: treadmill) in the building makes me happy, and the two blocks to the lake bike path are a dream.

My apartment is still not put together. There are *still* boxes. There is artwork that is *still* not hung up on the walls. But every day I'm getting closer to finishing. It isn't a race, but I'm unsure what the finish like looks like just yet. That needs to be sorted out.

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Yes, I purchased an iPad. Yes, it really is as fan-frickin' tastic as people are claiming. Everyone I've shown it to has enjoyed toying around with it. There's a ton more to say about it, but an Apple conference begins in 5 minutes to discuss iPhone 4.0 and I'm going to hoover up as many live feeds as possible and regurgitate the key points via my twitter account.

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Do me a favor? Tonight, before you go to sleep, ask whatever higher power you believe in to take my little Meo without suffering when his time comes? It can happen tomorrow or years from now, but no suffering okay?

We should all be so lucky. No suffering.